This Is Not Romantic

I watched the sun rise for what felt like the hundredth time,
All in the same 5 minutes
Standing in that hazy morning light
I see my future
And the way the sun touches her face, she is beautiful
My face is wet and my vision is blurry,
My voice is soaked in guilt
I tell her for the first time today that sometimes I do not
want her
That sometimes when I think about her I choke
My lungs suddenly can't find the space for air
Before I can stop myself, I am wailing
My mouth can't stop moving, 
I am trying to tell her that it's not her, but it's me
In the most eloquent way I can but with each breath I take in
My words become messy, 
Stumbling through excuses 
Drunk on the notion that telling her I hate her means she'll let me go
By noon I realise that we are shackled and bound
She tells me that she is willing to change
She is not angry with me
But this is not romantic
We have been sutured together without choice

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