There is something so freeing about apologising for things that made you hurt in the past. It’s this mixture of acceptance and closure and it feels so good, like this heavy, angry thing gripping to your shoulders finally lets go. Sometimes it’ll have been there so long that you forget- and when you finally let go of all of the things you’ve been harbouring, everything just feels lighter.
I think it feels so good because it can be so hard to admit when you’ve been wrong. People are so full of pride- and there’s this whole era of the Twitter baddie; that hard ass, unapologetic, self proclaimed “bitch”, who adopts the take no prisoners attitude when it comes to anyone that’s wronged her. To be fair, I totally get the allure. I’d love to take up residency in a friend group as the “bad bitch”. It sounds cool. It’s like being the Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn 99) of the group, or season one Cheryl Blossom (Riverdale). It’s kind of adopting that, “nobody gets to step on me” attitude that sort of ebbs and flows into narratives on Twitter or Instagram; especially over the past half decade or so.
And that is so fine.
If that’s who you are, cool. If that’s the persona you’re trying to emulate- cool. I’ve tried it. It never worked out for me because I think it made me harsh and cold. Going through a period of wanting to be respected rather than adored left me in a weird position where I felt like I could be anything but “soft”. So when I said something sharp, or rude- I never apologised. Even if I knew that I was wrong- wanting to maintain this persona took a turn that I never expected- and in turn I’d say these really mean things and be too selfish and prideful to even see the person on the receiving end of my words.
I think with trying to own this big personality; you’re left with very little room to apologise to your friends, or forgive things deep in the past. You’re given less room to feel emotional, or express guilt, or regret. Really it’s pretty exhausting. Holding onto grudges and bad experiences geared toward people you used to care about is super exhausting. And it’s okay if you don’t want to be stepped over. It’s also okay if you want to say sorry for something you know you’ve done wrong. And it’s okay to accept apologies. I don’t think people have the ability to really really be black and white- and trying to be is really really hard.
It’s healthy to respect yourself in a way that allows you to grow and not be trod on, but in the same vain, it’s healthy to have the capacity to say that you’re sorry. Or even better, ask somebody else for forgiveness- even though you know it’s hard to do.
In short, I just think we’re all trying to do this life thing; and we’re all wanting to be accepted, respected and loved. No two people can gain acceptance, respect and love in the same way, and I think that’s something people forget. So just do your thing, own your shit- and own up to your shit when you need to. It might actually feel pretty good.